This post is rated:
R-MC = Rated R for Men and Children whom probably shouldn’t read.
R-WM = Rated R for Women of Menopause whom should relate.
After reading article after article about menopause I can’t help but think who writes this stuff? Have they seriously gone through menopause? They couldn’t have. Are they 20? Having a bit of a hot flash and possibly a little drip of a night sweat doesn’t compare to … Turn the damn heat down before I melt like the wicked witch of the west. And if you don’t stop talking, I’ll put a curse on you. And if you even think you might hike your leg over me tonight, I will knock you out of bed.
For most of us, this is what menopause really feels like:
The Sympathy and Irritability:
Reaching out to those you love for sympathy and then wanting to rip their hair out and whip a toaster at them.
To my girlfriends: I think I’m going through menopause.
My girlfriends: We’re not. You (we) are too young for that.
I hate my girlfriends: Well, something has possessed me.
To my mother: I think I’m going through menopause. Did you ever get really horrible hot flashes and night sweats. And want to rip people’s hair out?
My mother: I don’t think I ever had menopause. I never had hot flashes, night sweats, or acted like that. You are too pretty to act like that. Be nice to people. If you can’t say something nice you shouldn’t say anything at all.
I hate my adopted mother: Blah blah blah. I knew I was adopted. And I hope your scanner doesn’t work tonight. Poor Paul 8.
Crossing paths with those you work with or people in general:
Please stop talking.
I wish I had a voodoo doll.
To chop your hair off.
And stab stab stab with the poke of a sewing needle.
And you still haven’t shut your trap.
I wish I had a candy bar.
And a cocktail.
That’s what you think while they’re talking.
Not sure why I thought my husband would show me any sympathy:
The Husband: Jody, why are you crying?
I burnt my toast.
The Husband: Jody, you really need to go to the doctor about all “that”.
All … That?!?!?!
Mark, you really need to get out of this kitchen before I throw this *(&*^&*^ toaster at you.
And after beating the toaster with your butter knife and whipping it in the garbage, you think …
I think I might need to go to the doctor.
And will need a new toaster.
The Doctor: You’re a little young to be going through menopause.
Umm, yea. Let me rip your hair out and we can confirm I’m menopausingly possessed. (Menopausingly isn’t a word but it is to an angry menopausal woman)
(1) Prescription for Jody who needs to calm her ass down!
Changes in Menstrual Cycle and Forgetfulness:
What’s the first thing you do? Talk to your girlfriends.
Girlfriends: I just started again. When will this be over?
Possessed Me: I haven’t had one in 4 months. I’ve been waiting for this huge day letting me know it’s over like … The devil has been released … And I have these convulsions. Reeking of garlic. But nothing.
Girlfriends: OMG you better take a pregnancy test.
Possessed Me: I’m pretty sure my eggs are broken. And I can’t remember anything anymore so I don’t know if I had sex since then or not. And who would want to have sex with someone holding a butter knife wanting to beat the holy heck out of a toaster.
Body Changes and Mood Swings:
Because we’re not 20 something anymore.
Just when you’re feeling good about yourself: Good hair day, skin looks pretty and fresh, boobs are feeling nice and perky …
I’m so gonna rock this short skirt tonight and drop it like it’s hot. As long as I don’t bend over – Dropping it like it’s hot might lead to someone seeing my juicy couture. Because I probably won’t have on panties.
You can’t drop it like it’s hot in granny panties.
But in just a matter of hours … and after your afternoon nap … because you needed to change your attitude … and because that’s all you have the energy for unless you’re going out to drop it like it’s hot … your menopausal body has reminded you …
Girl, you so won’t be dropping it like it’s hot tonight.
I have a pimple.
And now my boobs have dropped.
Saggy 40 year old boobs.
And more wrinkles.
And it looks like I haven’t dyed my hair in weeks.
And I look 9 months pregnant.
From eating a carrot.
And I’m so not taking my 10th negative pregnancy test this month.
I seriously look and feel 90 years old.
A 90 year old trying to drop it like it’s hot –
The only thing I’ll be dropping like it’s hot tonight is a greasy piece of pizza on my paper plate while hanging out in my granny panties and my moo moo. Alone. Because who in the hell would want to be near me. And my voodoo dolls.
Have a great day all! Or don’t.